Why We Struggle to Say What We Feel and How to Start
Most of us weren’t taught how to talk about our feelings. At least, not in ways that bring us closer to each other. Instead, we learned to keep things inside. To stay strong. To make it easier for everyone else. Or we learned to go to the other extreme, where we speak from emotion in a way that overwhelms or pushes people away.
Neither of those options get us what we really want: connection, understanding, the experience of being seen for who we really are.
So when someone asks, “How are you doing?” it’s no surprise that we freeze or give the safe answer.
Here’s what I’ve seen over and over again: emotional expression is not a personality trait. It’s not something some people are just good at. It’s a relational skill. And like any skill, it can be developed with practice and in the right kind of environment.
Why It Feels So Hard to Express Ourselves
There’s a reason this doesn’t come easy for many of us. A lot of us didn’t grow up in families, schools or systems that modeled emotional communication that felt safe or healthy. Maybe we learned that…
certain emotions like anger or sadness weren’t acceptable
being emotional meant being dramatic or “too much”
sharing your truth could lead to rejection or silence
having needs meant being selfish or a burden
So we learned to keep it in. We learned to please, to manage, to pretend. And now, even when we know better, our bodies still hold that old warning: don’t say too much, don’t risk too much, don’t be too much.
The Cost of Staying Silent
It’s easy to think that not saying what we feel keeps the peace or protects the relationship. But often, the cost is deeper than we realize.
When we avoid speaking honestly, a few things start to happen:
our relationships stay stuck at the surface
misunderstandings grow and rarely get cleared
we start to carry quiet resentment
we feel alone, even around people we care about
You can look like you’ve got it all together on the outside, and still feel like no one really knows you.
Emotional Expression Is Something We Learn
The shift comes when we stop seeing emotional expression as something we either have or don’t. It’s not about being good with words or always knowing how to say the right thing.
It’s about building muscle. About learning how to stay connected to ourselves while also staying connected to others.
Like any muscle, it builds over time. And it’s much easier to practice when we’re not doing it alone.
That’s why Life Development Groups are so central to the work I do. We need places where it’s safe to try, to stumble, to speak and be received with presence instead of performance.
Why Group Work Helps Us Speak More Honestly
You can learn about emotional intelligence by reading. But you learn how to use it when you’re in relationship. In real time. In the moment where something is uncomfortable and you stay anyway.
Group work is where that kind of learning happens.
Here’s what I see again and again in groups:
You realize you’re not the only one
Someone else says something you’ve been afraid to admit and suddenly you feel less alone.You get reflected back to yourself
People respond to what you share, not with advice but with honesty. You start to notice how your words land and what invites connection.You find out that being vulnerable isn’t always dangerous
You take a risk. You tell the truth. And instead of being shut down or judged, you’re met with curiosity. That moment changes something.You start to find new language for what you feel
Sometimes you don’t know how to say what’s going on until you hear someone else say something close. Their words give you a place to start.You learn that your presence matters
Being seen as you are, not as you’re trying to be, is powerful. It reminds you that you don’t have to earn love by hiding.
How to Start If This Is New
You don’t have to go from quiet to cracked wide open overnight. Here are a few small ways to begin:
Start with yourself
As you notice thinking, saying or doing your usual stuff, take a minute to connect with what’s actually happening for you. Allow yourself to be curious about:
what am I feeling right now
what brought this feeling up
what might I need
Say it simply
You don’t need the perfect sentence. You can say:
I feel off today and I’m not sure why
I want to say something but I’m afraid how it will land
I want to feel closer with you and I don’t know how to get there
Try sharing one piece, not the whole story
You don’t have to spill everything to start being more honest. Share a single thread and let the conversation unfold from there.
Get in the room with others who are practicing too
Whether it’s a Life Development Group or another kind of relational space, find somewhere you don’t have to hold it all alone. Somewhere that makes space for awkward, honest, real conversation.
We don’t share to impress. We share to be seen.. And sometimes to see ourselves in new ways.
This Isn’t About Getting It Right. It’s About Being Real.
You don’t need polished language. You don’t need a breakthrough moment. You just need to practice being with what’s true.
And when that truth gets shared in a room where people are listening, even creating with what you are giving—rather than fixing or correcting--, , then something in you shifts or settles. You start to trust that you can be yourself here and move with whatever emerges in response. That maybe you don’t have to hold your breath all the time.
Emotional honesty isn’t about clarity. It’s about courage. And it gets easier with practice and strengthening your relational muscles like you would any muscle in your body.
Bringing It All Together
If expressing how you feel has felt hard, it’s not because you’re broken. It’s probably because you’ve had to manage a lot without the space to bring your full self forward. You need a space to practice, to get relationally stronger, so when you show up, you show up without a mask.
And that space exists.
Life Development Groups are one place where we’re invited to practice speaking without trying to pre-know what will happen next. . Where we shift from pretend to presence. Where we show up, not because we’ve figured everything out, but because we’re ready to be real—with others who are ready too.
You don’t have to do this alone. You never did.
And if you’re ready to try something different, I’d love to see you in the room. Let’s grow that muscle together.
I invite you to join in the experience—as a client and/or practitioner. Schedule your complimentary 20-minute call with me here.
For people, couples and families seeking innovative tools for achieving their life and relationship goals, reach me at carrie@zpdcoaching.com.
For coaches and therapists I formed the Center for Group and Couples Coaching to train coaches and therapists in this approach. Contact info@groupandcouplescoaching.com.